Get Beyond the Embarassment

Did I really just do that?!!!

This weekend I was a luncheon hostess for a women's organization I am in.  I could not understand why my fellow hostess wanted me to bring soup bowls and spoons.  When we were setting up the food, she said that I had mentioned bringing soup.  She even doubled checked and I said yes.  I thought she said fruit and had confirmed a fruit tray.  I was so embarrassed that I had messed up.  

Then yesterday, I was at the grocery store when I had an emergency need for the restroom.  When I got there I found a male employee cleaning it.  At first I tried to do a bit of shopping but hang near the restroom.  I  was close to having an accident.  I finally just had to tell the guy I had an emergency and asked if I could use the restroom.  He was okay with it.  I was just so embarrassed to have to ask and that I almost made a mess.  

My usual response - almost paralyzing.

An embarrassing situation usually sends me into a depression, guilt and anxiety spiral.  I will obsess over the what happened and what I could I have done different.  Worse, wondering what others think of me.

It would be especially bad at night when I am trying to go to sleep.  The anxiety would get so bad that I would have to get up and walk around.  It could take hours to finally get to sleep.  My self esteem would be in the toilette for days.  

Going back out into a social situation would bring on anxiety or nearly paralyzing fear.  I have to admit that there were events I made an excuse not to go because of the fear.

Unfortunately, this is a common response to those with depression and anxiety. 

A Different Tactic 

I have been trying to be more mindful of the viscous cycle.  IS IT EASY?!  NO!!

It is hard to overcome old responses.  It is hard to overcome the pull of depression and anxiety.

However, my 3 word challenge earlier this year really started to show me my worth and that it is possible to begin to change your thought pattern.  The process is simple, but the execution is hard.

  (if you want to know more about it watch this video 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_j1hQuJLNk&list=PL4PEpYgDiIG3AWYb5Onsd5UGxlT0TcInH&index=3)

First:  Accept that the incident happened and was perfectly human.  

• no one is perfect
• misunderstandings happen 
• the unexpected is a normal part of life
• anyone could have done or said what you did

Second:  How would you react if the other person did/said the same thing? Do them for yourself.

• I bet you would be understanding
• Offer comfort to them
• Offer a solution
• Tell them you could have done the same thing
• Be forgiving

Third:  Move on

• First forgive yourself.  
• Offer an apology, if appropriate, to those involved.
• Try to find some humor in the situation without demeaning yourself.  Make fun of the issue not yourself.
• Do not dwell on it.  (probably the hardest).  
• If you find yourself continuing to think about it, return to the second step.
• Run through the scenario but you are the other person.  How would you react?

Just like the positive word challenge, it is not going to come naturally to you at first.  Keep trying.  I did this for both of the incidents.  Am I still embarrassed, well, yes.  Am I driving myself nuts continuing to run through it over and over again.  No.

Give this a go.  You are loved, needed and worth while.  You deserve kindness from yourself.

 

Teenagers!!!

I think my teenage sons are trying to put me in the looney bin!

Ya know...When I was a teenager, I'm sure I was no picnic either, but sheeesh!  I was at least motivated to always do my best, and meet my obligations without reminders.  My sons (lets call them Eeny, Meeny, Miney & and Moe) are just not that way.

Eeny is a senior and heading to college next fall.  Yay!!!  However, he seems to have forgotten that the school year is not over yet and that the grades still matter.  He has Checked Out!  Third quarter is nearly done and he has 3 D's sitting out there (update he fixed them but on the last day of quarter).

He has no legit excuses.  He quit his job months ago.  Has no girl friend and really not much extracurriculars to occupy him.  So what the hey hey?!  Where's the work ethic?

He will be attending a local college, but wants to live on campus if he can swing the cost (with 4 kids no way can send them all---student loans baby).  Yet he cannot get up without constant prodding by parents or Meeny, his roomy.  He is already spending more time "hang'n with the bros" than studying or getting a job.

Yeah, I see him being the ace student on campus.  NOT!!  Guess I will have to perpetually keep my fingers crossed.  

Now Meeny has a whole other issue going on.  This kid is uber smart BUT uber lazy.  You can guess where this is going.  He has grandiose plans on being a psychiatrist but has the work ethic of a beach bum.  

Much of school has come easy to him and did not require a lot of effort.  He is a sophomore, granted a tough year, and is falling on his face.  I knew it was coming after Eeny, but I had hoped that Meeny would have learned from his bro's mistakes.  OF COURSE NOT.

He is satisfied as long as it is a passing grade.  What!!!   I would sweat over a C let alone be okey dokey with a D.  We would like him to have a choice of colleges and the potential for scholarship/grant cash too, but if he cannot bother himself to do well........  Makes me want to just scream!!   

Question....How do you make someone give a crap!?

Then there is Miney.  I think his brains fell out a year ago.  This is a kid who was in the "gifted" program in elementary, but now is struggling in what was his strongest subject.  His grades are a roller coaster ride.  He asks some of the dumbest questions.  Things we have already talked about, or one would assume a teen would already know.  Like the county he lives in.  

We gave him a planner and a stack of posted notes to put in his chrome book to use to keep himself organized.  Then we signed him up for homework club.  When I pick him up he tells me about a book he is reading for fun.  Great he is reading but WHAT ABOUT THE SCHOOL WORK?

Little Moe is the shining star in terms of grades at the moment.  While not "gifted" he has blossomed in the last couple of years.  BUT.... He is absolutely driving me out of my mind.  He has horrible temper tantrums like a flipping two year old.

Honestly, since when does a tween lay on the floor screaming, crying and kicking their feet.  It doesn't get  him what he wants, in fact, it usually gets him a punishment.  If he gets in trouble, he hits Miney.  If  he doesn't do his chores he blames Miney.  Then when Miney has enough and pokes at him, you guessed, he runs to mom.  

You can probably also guess that Miney and Moe fight.  Yep, they do.  A LOT.  So much so that I

want to run screaming.  I have looked at my husband and told him I want to run away.  

Finally, none of them will do their chores until I ask or scream, whichever comes first.  I made a chore chart.  Each have assigned tasks and the chart shows when I expect them to be completed. Each task has a check list so they know what is expected.  So, no excuses.  But still NO action.

You would think that they would be sick of hearing me yell and scream.  You would think that they would be sick of having electronics taken.  But Noooooo.

                                                     I think I need to lay down for a moment.


 I love all of them. I would not change my life.  However, I wonder how they will be successful when they leave here.  Life is hard and requires hard work.  We have told them that repeatedly.  I guess only time will tell.

Illustrations courtesy of  Clipartsgram.com
Photos courtesy of Pexel.com

Lent Starts Today

I cannot believe that it is Ash Wednesday. 

Seems like Christmas was only a couple of weeks ago.  Time to prepare the ol'soul for Easter and the Lord's great sacrifice.

Each year we hear the ideas of what to "sacrifice" for Jesus during the 40 days of Lent.  You know the drill of common sacrifices:  No sweets, no cursing, no cell phone, no chips, no alcohol, reduced TV viewing.  How many never make it to Good Friday?

I can honestly say I have forgotten too.  I can even guarantee that I will forget the fasting rules on accident at least once during this time.  Embarrassing.

 I spend the next few hours beating myself up about my lack of memory or will power.  I end up with the guilts sending me to sleep even after praying for forgiveness.

A few years ago, I was pondering the question of what I would be giving up to honor this sacred season.  I was tired of "giving up" things I would forget about.   I started wondering how my giving up chocolate could come close to what Jesus gave. I wanted something more from the experience.

What is it that God wants from us above all else?......Ourselves!

If the Lenten Observation is about self sacrifice,I thought, then I could take the time I would normally be doing something else and use it to become closer to God.  This perked me up a bit.  Instead of debating the same old same old.  I now could explore things I can do for Him.

I am not a regular listener to Christian radio, but have been known to turn it on occasionally.  One channel has a sermon on around 10:30 am.  I decided that instead of my usually pop tunes, I would listen every morning to the sermon and then hang around for some of the Christian music.

I found myself looking forward to my mornings.  I was learning more about the Word and how it could relate to my life.  The music was uplifting.  The best part was knowing I was with the Lord an hour or two each morning.

Last year I added another item to my Lenten "to do's'.  As you know, I am a mixed media artist.  I picked up a Lent observation booklet from the back of church.  Each day I read the bible verse and the following message.  Then I drew a picture of what touched me about the passage.

What is the point of this blog post? 

The point is to challenge yourself to find things that you can do that truly give of yourself.  You can certainly still give up your chocolate or cursing or whatever.  But, find something you CAN do; pray, read the bible, do a Lent daily mini journal, listen to radio sermons or Christian music.

You are still making a "sacrifice", and probably one He will appreciate and one you can grow from.   Give your time to the Lord; really be with Him.

Let me know in the comments what you decided TO DO.

Turning 50!!!!!

Holy guacamole, I just turned the big 5.0.!!

Where in the world did the time go?  I don't feel that old on the inside.  I'm still 25!!

Ya, know I have been dreading this day for awhile, but it was not as bad as I anticipated.  Actually, I think turning 40 was worse.  I thought I would be wallowing in depression.  Thinking back on my life and wondering how big of a loser I am.   Surprisingly, that did not happen.

Instead, I found myself looking on all the things I had accomplished over the last 10 years.  Here are a few.

•  I have worked for a gourmet chef and learned some new techniques. 
•  I have a job I love where I make a difference every day.
•  I learned how to knit sweaters and socks.
•  I am now an artist (small and learning, but one none the less).
•  I am a tour guide at a small local museum.
•  I have discovered that I have an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary and Civil Wars.
•  The kids have visited Disney twice and Universal once. 
•  I started a Youtube channel using art and faith to battle depression/anxiety.

Looking back made me see that my life, so far, has seen some of my dreams come true.  I have done things I never even thought of doing.  Not too shabby.

The thing that I did dwell on was actually the future.  Not to be morbid, but the death of many loved ones lies in the future.  Just as I am old(er) my folks are too.  I just lost an aunt and uncle, and know that my last set along with my parents are likely to pass away during this next decade.  Pain and sadness seem to be on the horizon.

I needed to break the cycle of morbidity which is when I came up with the above list.  While it made me feel like I have been leading a good life, it made me wonder what good things do I have to look forward to since I know death of loved ones is inevitable. 

What dreams do I still have on my bucket list?  

•  Writing a book.
•  Illustrating a book.
•  Visiting Europe
•  Visiting Hawaii 
•  Grand children
•  Walking a 5K
•  Walking a 10K
•  Selling a painting
•  Sewing a dress
•  Sewing a patchwork quilt
•  Traveling with my hubby in a camper to different national parks.
•  Learn to play an instrument.

These were just what I came up with that night.  It reminded that adventures, dreams and new experiences are not just for the young.  There is still a lot to do, see and experience.  

While there will be pain and loss in the future, there will also be joy, happiness and excitement.  The Lord will help me through the pain, and be with me to celebrate during the joy.  

Week 2 of the 3 Word Challenge

So, how are you doing on the 3 word challenge?  Here is a video update showing my feelings on last week's words and a share of the words I chose for this week.

Let me know what your words are for this week in the comments.

How I Curb an Oncoming Panic Attack

Many of us have had those moments when we start to feel like everything is happening at once.  We feel torn between numerous responsibilities and demands on our time.

When it happens to me, my mind jumps from one topic or commitment to another.  It is almost like a pinball in the machine bouncing from bumper to bumper. I must keep the ball moving.
The fear of failing anything lies between the two paddles at the bottom of the machine.

Then I get the tightness in my chest.  I find myself holding my breath making myself light-headed.  The fear and panic start to build that I am going to forget something or not get something done on time.  If I don't stop the cycle soon, the thoughts will become all consuming and then I am a lump on the couch.

Is this you too?  Well, I having been doing a couple of things that seem to help me.

The first one is deep breathing.

Take a deep breath through your nose, using your diaphragm (your tummy should expand not your chest).  Hold for three seconds and then blow out your mouth.  Do this a 2-3 times.  You should feel yourself relax a bit.

 Practice this 2-3 times a day.  Why?  You will be more apt to use the technique in a real attack.

The second thing is Environmental Active Listening. 

 I came up with this on my own.  It may not be a new thing, but I starting doing this and it works for me.  You close your eyes and concentrate on the sounds around you.  As you hear each sound, identify it.  Oh, that's the furnace.  The ice just fell in the freezer.  Birds are chirping outside.  Children are laughing and playing in the backyard.


This gives your mind something else to do and breaks the panic thought cycle.  If I can break the cycle either I avoid a full blown attack, or I am able to start getting my attack under control.

Let me know how you cope with panicky thoughts in the comments.  I would love to share your ideas.

Thank You Lord Art Journal Page

Want to see how I made this art journal page thanking God for bringing my mom through a risky surgery?  Then head to my YouTube channel Frondly Yours KA.

How to Be Positive About You 3 Words At A Time

Self esteem is an emotional mountain range for me.  Much of the time struggling up and down the sides with a few days standing on top.

A few months ago I was asked to list 10-20 words that positively define me.  HOLY COW!!!  20 WORDS??!!  I just sat and stared at her for a few moments.  My mind a complete blank.  I couldn't think of one or two let alone 20.  Eventually, I coughed out three but was told to go home and come up with the rest.

That seemed impossible.  In fact, I never did come up with the 20 words.  Why?  It is hard to overcome negative self talk; it is hard to talk about ourselves let alone positively; we do not want to be center stage.

I have been thinking about that task a lot lately and I think I have a more manageable approach.  One I want you do to with me.

Come up with just three words that positively define you.  If you find this hard pretend that you are your best friend, your mom or dad.  What positive things would they say about you? 

Now that you have your words, take it a step further.  Find the definitions of those words and write them down.  This will help you see how the words refer to you.

Now take those words and write a short paragraph about yourself using them.  Bold, highlight and/or underline the words.

I am a very visual person.  Putting the words down on paper, especially as part of a paragraph, really drives home the positive nature of this task.  They are no longer just a list of words, but can be seen as parts of you.

Put this paragraph in a place where you will see it several times during the day.  The frig, a mirror, a bulletin board, or inside your planner.  When you see it, read it to yourself a couple of times.  

At the end of the week, how did that paragraph about you make your feel?  Did you find yourself talking more positively to yourself?  If you keep a journal, write an entry about the feelings you had this week.  Maybe you are an art journaler, make a art page about this.  Positive feelings only.

CHALLENGE

Here is a CHALLENGE for you.  DO THIS FOR FOUR WEEKS!  A new set of words for each week.  Your internal dialogue should begin to be more positive and forgiving.  I will do this with you. Leave comments here or become part of my facebook group at Frondly Yours KA.

See my Youtube video to see how I did my words for this week. Vlog on Frondly Yours KA  

How to Forgive and Move On

Obsessing over an event is one of my struggles with depression and anxiety.  Case in point, a conversation this past weekend with my spouse sent me curled up on the couch and not wanting to do much of anything.  A frustrated and poorly worded statement from him during a minor dispute touched a nerve of self doubt regarding this blog and my vlog.    I let this put me in a dark funk for much of the weekend.

 When I started reviewing the conversation more objectively I could see where I was using his words to feed my self doubt when they were really never meant the way I took them.

The process I did to help myself, led me to see that there is a pattern that can be repeated in other situations.  One I think that will help you too.

Step One - Acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having.

My best friend has told me often that you are allowed to feel what you feel.  This could be resentment, embarrassment, disappointment, anger, feeling imperfect, feeling like an under performer.  Your emotional response to an event is okay.

Denying the feeling as well as wallowing in them can make it hard to move forward. The key is to feel it and then let it go.  We know that it is the letting go that can be a problem.

Step Two -  Identify what triggered the episode

A feeling cannot be sustained forever (even for us).  We start to calm a bit, at least enough to begin to think a little more objectively about the event.  Events can be a conversation, a mistake you made, a disappointment or an unfortunate accident.

Think objectively or even meditate on the details of the event. .  Pretend you are on the outside looking in versus a direct participant.

Step Three - Ask yourself questions

By asking questions like a detective or scientist you can start to see the situation in a different light.

• Did they mean to hurt me by saying what they did?  Am I reading more into the words that were used?  Perhaps it was a poor word selection?  Were they just showing their frustration?
• Are you really the only one to make a mistake or even the mistake you made?  How would you react to someone else making that same error?  I bet it would a lot kinder than how you are treating yourself.
• Was the disappointment or accident directed specifically at you?   Have you done something similar to someone else through unforeseen circumstances?  Did you mean to hurt them?  Is the issue really one to believe your world is crushed?

Step Four - Compare the answers with your feelings

The comparison helps to put the situation into perspective.  Allowing you to forgive someone, look beyond the accident/disappointment, and most of all stop being hard on yourself.  You are human and stuff happens.  The people around you are human and stuff happens.

So what about my depressive slump this weekend, you may ask?  

 I started focusing on the word that upset me and worked backward in the discussion from there.  I would have been frustrated in his shoes and may have made a poor word choice or been driven to use a snotty word in frustration.  It was not really about my blog efforts at all.  I was putting my self doubt on him.  I could then start forgiving him and myself enough to slowly get going again.

How to Feel More Productive when Depressed in 5 Steps

There are days that depression can make it very difficult to get up off the couch and do, well... ........anything.
We tend to beat ourselves up over what did not get done.  We are lazy, good for nothing, a drag on our family.  You've been there or are there now.  These negative thoughts just feed our depression, putting us in a vicious cycle.

Not long ago, I found a tool that helped to get me more productive.  At least, in small bits.  This helped my self worth and things started getting done around the house.  TIME MANAGEMENT.  I'm hearing a few groans out there.  But really, this works and in only 5 steps.

STEP ONE:  GET A SIMPLE PLANNER OR CALENDAR

This does not need nor should it be anything elaborate.  Go to your dollar store, keep the freebie calendars that come in the mail or handed out at church.  Here are some cheap ideas.

•  pocket planner, 
• calendar with large squares, 
• spiral notebook,
• composition book
•  even just a folder with loose leaf paper are all fine.

You can even make your own planner using printables found on line.  There are also tutorials on how to make them.  Here is the link to the video by Joanne Delbalso I used to make mine  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twP6jHhLztA .

The point is you do not have to spend a lot of money to get started.
Here is a basic monthly calendar sheets to download free.

STEP TWO:  MAKE A SHORT LIST OF CHORES/TASKS FOR THE WEEK

The key word here is SHORT.  Choose only 5-6 fundamental or basic tasks.  These should be tasks that can be completed in one day but require more than 10 minutes to finish.  We are starting small to avoid becoming overwhelmed and giving up.

Some examples of basic tasks are; grocery shopping, laundry, running the vac (hoover), cleaning the bathroom.  You get the idea.

STEP THREE:  CHOOSE A DAY OF THE WEEK FOR EACH TASK

Based upon your family's schedule, choose a day of the week to do each task.  One task per day.  It may be tempting to do more than one a day, but try not to do that at first.  Again, we are trying not to overwhelm ourselves.

Remember to keep to the small list of 5 or 6 items.  We are purposely leaving one or two free days.

Once the "biggies" are in place, select a handful of small items to do.  These are things that take 5 minutes or less to complete.  Add 2 to 3 of these to your day.

•  Make short phone calls - parents, friends, schedule a doctor appointment
•  Check email and maybe send a couple
•   Pay a bill
•   Walk down to the mailbox
  
  

It is okay to have days without any small tasks or to not schedule any for the week as you get started.

STEP FOUR:  CHECK OFF EACH TASK AS YOU DO THEM

Sounds pretty intuitive, but it is important to mark them off.  The purpose of the planner is to be a visual guide and "reward" tool to your progress.It is such a great feeling to put a check or line through a completed task.

I felt good about myself and you will too.  Not only is a task done, but you will start to feel a bit more productive.  Give yourself a mental high-five!!!

You may find that you were inspired to finish something NOT on your initial list.  WRITE IT DOWN in your planner and CHECK IT OFF!!!  This is more positive reinforcement of what you do for your family.

Just be careful not to over do it and become overwhelmed.   We are taking small steps at first.

STEP FIVE:  TAKE STOCK OF HOW IT WENT & CELEBRATE A BIT

At the end of the day, look over what you got FINISHED!!!  Pat yourself on the back!
The check marks are just soooo satisfying to see and a great visual to show yourself that you were productive today.  Do this again at the end of the week and even the month.

Do NOT dwell on the things that did not get done.  It is going to happen.  Simply move it to another day or week.  Evaluate how well the schedule worked by answering these questions.

1. Do tasks need to be moved?
2. Would a different time of day be better?
3. Did you try to do to much to soon?

You will start to feel better as tasks slowly start getting completed.

If you feel comfortable, in a month or so, you can start adding more basic tasks or even some Extra Nonessential tasks.  These are are large tasks that are not necessarily needed for the general day to day running of the household.

• Clean out a closet
• Wash the dog
• Reorganizing the pantry

REMEMBER TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF.  

YOU are NEEDED in your family.  YOU ARE a productive and contributing person.

                 WHO THE HECK IS KA & 

           WHAT IS FRONDLY YOURS KA??!!

                                            Welcome to my blog!!  

Let me introduce myself.  I am K, a mixed media artist, mother of 4 sons and an Educational Aide for a local school district.  While I love my family and my job, sometimes life gets me REAL down.

 Okay, I'll be honest.  I suffer from anxiety and depression.  This has been a part of my life since ......do I have to tell?......well...., the last 30 or so years.  (Yup I'm old)

Treatment has only gotten me only so far.  I have been in search of tools to help me cope with the daily struggles associated with this illness.  About 4 years ago I stumbled upon art journaling and fell in love.  

Since then, I have looked into faith or bible journaling.  I have been a faith based person (Catholic) all my life, but this was a new way to not only praise the Lord, but to remind myself of the wonders of life.

What is Frondly Yours KA?

This is a blog where I can share some of the things I have learned on this depression/anxiety journey. Here are some of the things I will include:

• Using positive quotes and affirmations 
• Personal stories
• Coping skills
• Art journaling tips.
• Faith based journaling tips.

What, exactly, do you hope to accomplish?

My primary goal is to help others who suffer or know someone who suffers from this issue to find tools they can use to cope.  I hope to provide a positive and encouraging voice from someone who is in the trenches everyday. Finally, I want to be a guide to self expression and maybe renewed connection to faith.

How will success be determined?

Okay, this will sound cliche, but one person at a time.  I believe that the Lord has been urging me to do this for sometime.  The Lord will be pleased if I connect with just one person.

I also want this to be a journey of discovery for myself.  There is so much to learn and do.  I believe I have only touched the tip of the iceberg with what I have learned.  I just want to make a difference.

                                                       COME WITH ME!!!

 

Life is a journey and the life of a depressed anxious person can be very challenging.  Share this adventure with me.  Together, we will discover the joys of the adventure. 

Check out my Youtube channel at Frondly Yours  for videos and tutorials to help guide and inspire you.  Here is a video introducing the channel:
Welcome to Frondly Yours Youtube Channel video