How to Forgive and Move On

Obsessing over an event is one of my struggles with depression and anxiety.  Case in point, a conversation this past weekend with my spouse sent me curled up on the couch and not wanting to do much of anything.  A frustrated and poorly worded statement from him during a minor dispute touched a nerve of self doubt regarding this blog and my vlog.    I let this put me in a dark funk for much of the weekend.

 When I started reviewing the conversation more objectively I could see where I was using his words to feed my self doubt when they were really never meant the way I took them.

The process I did to help myself, led me to see that there is a pattern that can be repeated in other situations.  One I think that will help you too.

Step One - Acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having.

My best friend has told me often that you are allowed to feel what you feel.  This could be resentment, embarrassment, disappointment, anger, feeling imperfect, feeling like an under performer.  Your emotional response to an event is okay.

Denying the feeling as well as wallowing in them can make it hard to move forward. The key is to feel it and then let it go.  We know that it is the letting go that can be a problem.

Step Two -  Identify what triggered the episode

A feeling cannot be sustained forever (even for us).  We start to calm a bit, at least enough to begin to think a little more objectively about the event.  Events can be a conversation, a mistake you made, a disappointment or an unfortunate accident.

Think objectively or even meditate on the details of the event. .  Pretend you are on the outside looking in versus a direct participant.

Step Three - Ask yourself questions

By asking questions like a detective or scientist you can start to see the situation in a different light.

• Did they mean to hurt me by saying what they did?  Am I reading more into the words that were used?  Perhaps it was a poor word selection?  Were they just showing their frustration?
• Are you really the only one to make a mistake or even the mistake you made?  How would you react to someone else making that same error?  I bet it would a lot kinder than how you are treating yourself.
• Was the disappointment or accident directed specifically at you?   Have you done something similar to someone else through unforeseen circumstances?  Did you mean to hurt them?  Is the issue really one to believe your world is crushed?

Step Four - Compare the answers with your feelings

The comparison helps to put the situation into perspective.  Allowing you to forgive someone, look beyond the accident/disappointment, and most of all stop being hard on yourself.  You are human and stuff happens.  The people around you are human and stuff happens.

So what about my depressive slump this weekend, you may ask?  

 I started focusing on the word that upset me and worked backward in the discussion from there.  I would have been frustrated in his shoes and may have made a poor word choice or been driven to use a snotty word in frustration.  It was not really about my blog efforts at all.  I was putting my self doubt on him.  I could then start forgiving him and myself enough to slowly get going again.