Turning 50!!!!!

Holy guacamole, I just turned the big 5.0.!!

Where in the world did the time go?  I don't feel that old on the inside.  I'm still 25!!

Ya, know I have been dreading this day for awhile, but it was not as bad as I anticipated.  Actually, I think turning 40 was worse.  I thought I would be wallowing in depression.  Thinking back on my life and wondering how big of a loser I am.   Surprisingly, that did not happen.

Instead, I found myself looking on all the things I had accomplished over the last 10 years.  Here are a few.

•  I have worked for a gourmet chef and learned some new techniques. 
•  I have a job I love where I make a difference every day.
•  I learned how to knit sweaters and socks.
•  I am now an artist (small and learning, but one none the less).
•  I am a tour guide at a small local museum.
•  I have discovered that I have an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary and Civil Wars.
•  The kids have visited Disney twice and Universal once. 
•  I started a Youtube channel using art and faith to battle depression/anxiety.

Looking back made me see that my life, so far, has seen some of my dreams come true.  I have done things I never even thought of doing.  Not too shabby.

The thing that I did dwell on was actually the future.  Not to be morbid, but the death of many loved ones lies in the future.  Just as I am old(er) my folks are too.  I just lost an aunt and uncle, and know that my last set along with my parents are likely to pass away during this next decade.  Pain and sadness seem to be on the horizon.

I needed to break the cycle of morbidity which is when I came up with the above list.  While it made me feel like I have been leading a good life, it made me wonder what good things do I have to look forward to since I know death of loved ones is inevitable. 

What dreams do I still have on my bucket list?  

•  Writing a book.
•  Illustrating a book.
•  Visiting Europe
•  Visiting Hawaii 
•  Grand children
•  Walking a 5K
•  Walking a 10K
•  Selling a painting
•  Sewing a dress
•  Sewing a patchwork quilt
•  Traveling with my hubby in a camper to different national parks.
•  Learn to play an instrument.

These were just what I came up with that night.  It reminded that adventures, dreams and new experiences are not just for the young.  There is still a lot to do, see and experience.  

While there will be pain and loss in the future, there will also be joy, happiness and excitement.  The Lord will help me through the pain, and be with me to celebrate during the joy.  

Week 2 of the 3 Word Challenge

So, how are you doing on the 3 word challenge?  Here is a video update showing my feelings on last week's words and a share of the words I chose for this week.

Let me know what your words are for this week in the comments.

How I Curb an Oncoming Panic Attack

Many of us have had those moments when we start to feel like everything is happening at once.  We feel torn between numerous responsibilities and demands on our time.

When it happens to me, my mind jumps from one topic or commitment to another.  It is almost like a pinball in the machine bouncing from bumper to bumper. I must keep the ball moving.
The fear of failing anything lies between the two paddles at the bottom of the machine.

Then I get the tightness in my chest.  I find myself holding my breath making myself light-headed.  The fear and panic start to build that I am going to forget something or not get something done on time.  If I don't stop the cycle soon, the thoughts will become all consuming and then I am a lump on the couch.

Is this you too?  Well, I having been doing a couple of things that seem to help me.

The first one is deep breathing.

Take a deep breath through your nose, using your diaphragm (your tummy should expand not your chest).  Hold for three seconds and then blow out your mouth.  Do this a 2-3 times.  You should feel yourself relax a bit.

 Practice this 2-3 times a day.  Why?  You will be more apt to use the technique in a real attack.

The second thing is Environmental Active Listening. 

 I came up with this on my own.  It may not be a new thing, but I starting doing this and it works for me.  You close your eyes and concentrate on the sounds around you.  As you hear each sound, identify it.  Oh, that's the furnace.  The ice just fell in the freezer.  Birds are chirping outside.  Children are laughing and playing in the backyard.


This gives your mind something else to do and breaks the panic thought cycle.  If I can break the cycle either I avoid a full blown attack, or I am able to start getting my attack under control.

Let me know how you cope with panicky thoughts in the comments.  I would love to share your ideas.

Thank You Lord Art Journal Page

Want to see how I made this art journal page thanking God for bringing my mom through a risky surgery?  Then head to my YouTube channel Frondly Yours KA.

How to Be Positive About You 3 Words At A Time

Self esteem is an emotional mountain range for me.  Much of the time struggling up and down the sides with a few days standing on top.

A few months ago I was asked to list 10-20 words that positively define me.  HOLY COW!!!  20 WORDS??!!  I just sat and stared at her for a few moments.  My mind a complete blank.  I couldn't think of one or two let alone 20.  Eventually, I coughed out three but was told to go home and come up with the rest.

That seemed impossible.  In fact, I never did come up with the 20 words.  Why?  It is hard to overcome negative self talk; it is hard to talk about ourselves let alone positively; we do not want to be center stage.

I have been thinking about that task a lot lately and I think I have a more manageable approach.  One I want you do to with me.

Come up with just three words that positively define you.  If you find this hard pretend that you are your best friend, your mom or dad.  What positive things would they say about you? 

Now that you have your words, take it a step further.  Find the definitions of those words and write them down.  This will help you see how the words refer to you.

Now take those words and write a short paragraph about yourself using them.  Bold, highlight and/or underline the words.

I am a very visual person.  Putting the words down on paper, especially as part of a paragraph, really drives home the positive nature of this task.  They are no longer just a list of words, but can be seen as parts of you.

Put this paragraph in a place where you will see it several times during the day.  The frig, a mirror, a bulletin board, or inside your planner.  When you see it, read it to yourself a couple of times.  

At the end of the week, how did that paragraph about you make your feel?  Did you find yourself talking more positively to yourself?  If you keep a journal, write an entry about the feelings you had this week.  Maybe you are an art journaler, make a art page about this.  Positive feelings only.

CHALLENGE

Here is a CHALLENGE for you.  DO THIS FOR FOUR WEEKS!  A new set of words for each week.  Your internal dialogue should begin to be more positive and forgiving.  I will do this with you. Leave comments here or become part of my facebook group at Frondly Yours KA.

See my Youtube video to see how I did my words for this week. Vlog on Frondly Yours KA  

How to Forgive and Move On

Obsessing over an event is one of my struggles with depression and anxiety.  Case in point, a conversation this past weekend with my spouse sent me curled up on the couch and not wanting to do much of anything.  A frustrated and poorly worded statement from him during a minor dispute touched a nerve of self doubt regarding this blog and my vlog.    I let this put me in a dark funk for much of the weekend.

 When I started reviewing the conversation more objectively I could see where I was using his words to feed my self doubt when they were really never meant the way I took them.

The process I did to help myself, led me to see that there is a pattern that can be repeated in other situations.  One I think that will help you too.

Step One - Acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having.

My best friend has told me often that you are allowed to feel what you feel.  This could be resentment, embarrassment, disappointment, anger, feeling imperfect, feeling like an under performer.  Your emotional response to an event is okay.

Denying the feeling as well as wallowing in them can make it hard to move forward. The key is to feel it and then let it go.  We know that it is the letting go that can be a problem.

Step Two -  Identify what triggered the episode

A feeling cannot be sustained forever (even for us).  We start to calm a bit, at least enough to begin to think a little more objectively about the event.  Events can be a conversation, a mistake you made, a disappointment or an unfortunate accident.

Think objectively or even meditate on the details of the event. .  Pretend you are on the outside looking in versus a direct participant.

Step Three - Ask yourself questions

By asking questions like a detective or scientist you can start to see the situation in a different light.

• Did they mean to hurt me by saying what they did?  Am I reading more into the words that were used?  Perhaps it was a poor word selection?  Were they just showing their frustration?
• Are you really the only one to make a mistake or even the mistake you made?  How would you react to someone else making that same error?  I bet it would a lot kinder than how you are treating yourself.
• Was the disappointment or accident directed specifically at you?   Have you done something similar to someone else through unforeseen circumstances?  Did you mean to hurt them?  Is the issue really one to believe your world is crushed?

Step Four - Compare the answers with your feelings

The comparison helps to put the situation into perspective.  Allowing you to forgive someone, look beyond the accident/disappointment, and most of all stop being hard on yourself.  You are human and stuff happens.  The people around you are human and stuff happens.

So what about my depressive slump this weekend, you may ask?  

 I started focusing on the word that upset me and worked backward in the discussion from there.  I would have been frustrated in his shoes and may have made a poor word choice or been driven to use a snotty word in frustration.  It was not really about my blog efforts at all.  I was putting my self doubt on him.  I could then start forgiving him and myself enough to slowly get going again.